Thursday, 24 April 2014

I just found one of the most insane Ebay auction listings ever, so I just had to share ...

Old COMPOSITION DOLL Cloth Body MEAN LOOKING Goes by SUGAR, Sociopathic Nature

Winning bid: US $12.50                              [ 4 bids ]

U. S. buyers pay nothing for fully insured shipping, very safely packed. Elsewhere on the planet, buyers pay actual cost of Priority shipping. All Customs forms will state the actual selling price of items shipped internationally.

Note from seller: I normally write the descriptions myself but not in this case. I took the pictures and prepared to start writing, but “Sugar” shot me a nasty look and said, “Hey dimwit. Scoot over – move you sorry butt. I’ll take it from here.”Not having a death wish, I let her take over. I am in no way responsible for anything she says. My advice is to believe about half of what she says, but don’t ever disagree with her or look her in the eye. 

Hey you! How about a little help here. This old man threw me in the weeds last fall, and I feel like that stupid woman who’s fallen and can’t get up. Just get me out of this brush, and I can take care of myself. Trust me. I’ll get even with the old man. All I need is a temporary home – anyplace but here.

I have a Sunday dress, but I usually run around in my slip. Someone, probably one of the do-gooders I’ve run across at some government agency, made it for me quite some time ago. I was two months into my first jolt in juvie when they started calling me “Sugar.” Whatever! Just as long as I get the top bunk and a cellmate who does what I tell her.

Rule number one: Even when you’re sleeping, keep some sort of stabbing weapon in one hand. Even when my eyes are closed, my ears are open, so don’t even think about it.
Yes, Little Miss Observant, I only have one shoe and one sock. Wanna make something of it? If I wanted a pair of each, I’d take yours. Besides, I spend most of my time in places where clothing is provided by the state.

That picture of me is my favorite. It is from a surveillance camera I didn’t know was there. Back then, I didn’t know private homes can have those %*#&* cameras. That little mistake got me my first Restraining Order. Big whoop. I have so many Restraining Orders out on me now that, if I paid any attention to them, I’d have to walk over a mile to visit a friend of mine who lives within 100 yards of my crib. I’ve been gerrymandered.

See that ^&@%*ng cracker? I thought the old man left it there for me, but as it turns out, I was wrong. He whacked me around when he caught me with it.

I told him it wasn’t me who took his %$#%$ cracker, but he had me arrested anyway. The cops discovered a couple crumbs in my panties – so it was back to juvie again. Big deal. I knew the ropes this time, so I cut some smart-arse big girl the first night. The rest of my stretch was easy.

That bust was my third, so I had no choice. I broke out one night by “doing a favor” for a guard whose old lady would have had him shot had she known. I may call him one of these days and see if he wants me to pop her for him. Anyway, on my way out, I knocked the glass out of the office and lifted my photo. Pretty good one, don’t you think?

I have a few beauty marks on my face, and I like’m. One gal called them “ten-foot pole marks,” and she ended up on crutches for three months. So, if I were you, I’d keep my opinions to myself. OK?

You can probably see the round outline of something on my back under my skin. DON’T TOUCH IT!  I mean it. If you touch it, it whines like a baby. This old man called it a “growler” once, and I do mean “once.” I bit a chunk out of his ankle, and that’s the last time he mentioned it. (I had a chance to smother the old $&%er in his sleep about two years ago. Talk about an opportunity missed.)

Given a choice, I wouldn’t be here on eBay – especially nekked. Don’t get me wrong. I like getting nekked under certain circumstances.

Yes. I have a cracked head. It happened when I tried to muscle my way out of a courtroom in Alabama. No choice. It was obvious I was facing what we call a 13 ½.  That’s 12 jurors, one judge, and half a chance. 

If you’re lucky enough to win me, I’ll be needing some stuff. Don’t worry – I’ll make a list. Just go along, we’ll get along. That’s all I’m sayin’.
Don’t just sit there looking stupid!


My preferred method of payment is PayPal.Buyer pay NOTHING for fully insured shipping, very safely packed. That's for U. S. only.  All Customs forms will state the actual selling price of items shipped internationally.

If you have further questions about this item, please ask via eBay’s “My Messages.” For more complex questions about the doodad I’m selling; or if you’ve waited until the last few minutes before it sells, I have a phone number you may use for CUSTOMER SUPPORT – (513) 254-7537

Questions and answers about this item

Q: I think this is the best auction on eBay! Once in a while I like to check out your auctions. I love your sense of humor! Heather
A: I can't prove it, but I think she is Chucky's twin sister. Thanks, Dennis 
Apr 20, 2014

Hope you enjoyed this crazed listing as much as I did!

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